mini comic: 014

letting go… but not

I wasn’t planning to really say or do much* about my next book, OTTER CARRIES ON. And I’m not even sure how best to begin this post.

I hope this book will provide comfort to readers in whatever way they interpret the story and relate to little otter. But I thought I would also share a bit of my journey in making this book.* *

* fyi, I’ve decided not to do any events

** spoiler note: If you want to read the book first, I would wait before going further.

No dialogue on the comics today…

OTTER was a difficult book to make at every stage, from beginning to end. The origins came from a story idea I found buried in my computer by someone I cared about, who passed away too early. Much of it changed but I kept the main story point about an otter learning to let go of the objects they were hoarding.

In the beginning, I saw little otter as the loved one, and the puffin as me. But as I figured out little otter’s journey with Dana (my editor) and Mina (my art director), plus therapy, I began to realize the little otter was also me and we were going through this journey together as I created the book.

For awhile, I was focused and obsessed with the idea of letting go and otter learning to let go of their rocks. Because that’s all I wanted to do. Just let go of the dark thoughts, the sad feelings, the negative thoughts, the guilty feelings. All my rocks. Obviously you can’t let go of everything, but a lighter load will help! Except… it’s not that simple or really the answer.

I keep a lot to myself… even more than I thought. But as I reworked and reworked OTTER’s story and sometimes talked to my therapist about it, I realized I also wasn’t doing the one thing I kept waiting and hoping my friend would do.

Reach out and ask for help.

It sounds like such an easy thing, right? But I think it’s also one of the hardest actions to take. It has to be a choice you make and you ask for. No one else can do it for you, especially if you don’t want to accept it.

It was a big turning point in figuring out that’s what OTTER was about. I remembered it was why I was able to pull myself out of one of my darkest times. But sometimes the push you need to make that choice comes from an unexpected outside source, and why I always wanted to include a brief appearance of a third character, which became whale.

I also knew there could be no clean or easy ending for little otter’s journey. This was clear from the beginning for me. I know it’s not a typical conclusion for an American picture book and might feel unsatisfying or confusing for some readers. But it didn’t feel truthful to wrap up this story in a neat bow when life isn’t like that.

So… I thought by now with little otter’s journey literally on the page and out of my hands, I would have this big sense of relief. (See? Still obsessed with letting go!) In some ways I have, but as publication day approaches, it hasn’t been any easier for me to face and collect my thoughts.

Does the story still make sense? Did I do enough in honor of my friend? Will it help the people I hope it will help… even just a little? Oh no… what did I even make?! It’s gonna flop and only sell 10 copies!!! No one will want to publish me anymore!!!! (Yes, I can be a dramatic diva creative too.)

I still have difficult days (more than I’d like to admit). I still don’t like to be vulnerable (I’m going to regret posting this publicly). I still haven’t been able to let go of everything I want to (Of course not! Remember maya, that’s not the solution…). But if I compare myself to where I was 2-3 years ago, I’ve come a long way and OTTER has really helped.

I created this book for my friend.

I created this book for people who might be struggling alone.

I created this book for me.

Just like little otter, I’ve found ways to lighten my load a bit by asking for help. I’ve found better ways to hold “the rocks” that I’m not quite ready to let go of. And I’ve found how to swim forward again.

I truly hope this book will help readers with their journeys too.